The date with Chad went well. We talked for a few hours and then it was time to go. He offered to walk me to my car. When we got to my car he kissed me. It was a good kiss... although his hand placement was weird. He held my face in his hands the whole time. Which was nice in a way but also restricted where my hands could go. I got home and texted him to thank him and we ended up texting for a while and him asking for a second date. We have texted a couple times since then. He always says he can't wait to get together again but then there are some times when I am left wondering if he really does want to. I would like to. I liked him. It was great to go on a date and actually like someone and want a second date. I am just not sure about where he is at since I am getting mixed feelings from him. I have decided to back off a bit and see what happens.
Now in finding someone that I want a second date with I have come to a new realization. Ok, maybe losing my job has some to do with it. I have thought all this time the thing I missed the most was companionship. That I really wanted a friend to go and hang out with and have fun with. Someone to be silly with or just relax with. And while I DO want all of those things I also want something more. I really think I want the whole relationship. I want someone who cares for me. Someone who can't wait to see me and while I understand that life is busy they will want to try to rearrange life to fit me in. And more than anything I want someone I can lean on. With losing my job I just really wanted someone I could cry to and be reassured. I don't need someone to take care of me. That isn't what I mean at all. I am quite capable of picking myself up and brushing myself off. In fact I hear it all the time, "You are so strong:. I heard it all through my divorce and now I am hearing it all again. I have taken the stops I needed. Requesting assistance and papering the town with my resume. But there are times when I want to be sad. When I don't want to be strong. When I just need to break down and cry a little. And I want someone there to catch me and hold me. Someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. Someone I don't have to be strong around. Someone I can be vulnerable with. Of course I have my family. And I can always cry to them and they will do all of those things. I have my friends too that will do all of that. But with my family I feel like a child when I let my guard down. And with my friends, I don't know. It just isn't the same. I am ready for a boyfriend. I am ready for a partner in life. But is life ready to give him to me?
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